Ook Ook 🦍

Subject: Re: For some people it's a kink
From: BRIT
Date: Thu, 1 Nov 2018 06:18:58 +0000
To: YANK

At least his message about meds was made at the end and not lost in there.

Subject: Re: For some people it's a kink
From: YANK
Date: Thu, 01 Nov 2018 05:43:14 -0700
To: BRIT

It is from Fox News, after all, and their editorial policy is "bury the lead".

ook ook.

Subject: More about kinesthesis
From: YANK
Date: Thu, 01 Nov 2018 21:32:48 -0700
To: BRIT

Brit,

This article may be useful to you, don't know.

Kinesthetic Learning Style - Perception Is Everything https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-kinesthesis-2795309

When you turned me into GRUNTOR, pulling me down by my balls was crucial. You forced me into a position suited to a gorilla's posture. It demonstrated authority and inevitability which made the suggestion take hold. It also put me into a gorilla's stance, which confirmed my change in self-perception, entrenching your suggestion.

By-the-balls isn't right for everyone but guiding/forcing a subject into a position suiting the suggestion can be VERY effective. It was for me.

--Yank

Subject: Walk through my past
From: YANK
Date: Sun, 04 Nov 2018 14:31:44 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

I have 3 boxes of photo albums from my parents' courtship through 2010 or so. They're prints, many quite old, and they're fading into the dust of time. Many may not survive the year.

You mentioned your uneasy childhood as a buck-toothed Asian nerd. I was a pasty white cross-eyed geek.

Photos I scanned just for you:

My baptism at age 3.

School photo at age 8 (my shirt was yellow and white, I don't know how the photographer changed it in the optical era.)

College drop-out at age 23.

"And you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?"

--Yank

Subject: About our open relationship
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 05 Nov 2018 20:45:14 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

Why yes, I've had a scotch, why do you ask?

I want us both to have extremely satisfying sex lives. I want us to work, so sex is very important.

Please let's keep an open conversation going about how we can give each other what he needs sexually. You have said you're concerned how you might feel if I were with another man. I don't want you to be uncomfortable. But I will admit I'd spontaneously ejaculate if you pulled me away from another man, slammed me against the wall, bellowed "YOU ARE MINE" and pulled me by the balls to my knees. I suspect you would too. You have my consent to find out.

But back to the point.

I'm good with us taking time to explore just how "open" is comfortable to us. Start out monogamous and explore slowly? I'm good with that. Both of us with one man, like us with [Redacted]? Also good. Watching you with another man? Not just good but something I'd very much enjoy, I'd learn how you read and please men and what they do that pleasures you. You as DOM directing me and a man of your choosing? You damn well better. Smoking hot. You connect with a man solo? So long as he's a quality man and you tell me about it. Preferably while teasing my cock. However you need us to throttle our activities, however you want to pace our exploration. You call the shots. I trust you. I can deny you no pleasure.

We also will need to keep talking about sexual health. I haven't been fucked in... best guess... 35 years. The risk factors are much simpler and easier to manage when you suck cock or stroke cocks. You'll need to teach me what you want me to understand, and how you feel about risks.

I want you to fuck me. I want you to fuck me bareback for the same reasons I want us to get married naked. I want you to penetrate my mind and penetrate my body. I will let you decide for us whether that's a very minimal risk or if we should play safe. I trust you to tell me what STD (US version of STI) tests you want me to get and when.

So long as we keep sharing our feelings and ideas as they evolve, we'll be fine. And they will evolve. They always do.

Hugs, and ook ook,

Yank

P.S. - DERANGED GORILLA SEX

Bartender Farnsworth, I'll have another.

Subject: Re: About our open relationship
From: BRIT
Date: Tue, 6 Nov 2018 06:35:18 +0000
To: YANK

I will keep talking.

I think I wanted to get across that I'm aware my feelings are unfair. I have already played with boot pup since you left, and I amused myself by sucking him off which he was not expecting.

The jealous Dom thing might be a turn on but it also sounds unfair on you. And importantly the guy who spoke to you. You've mentioned people being shy at bars, being the third person in that scenario could be very discouraging. I wouldn't want to do that to someone else, being a timid person myself.

Although it has occurred to me there is a positive way through it. Which would be to do it as permission based. And at the point of getting him to ask permission, I instead get him fired up. No meekness. I tell him you need it rough ... make him convince us he can be that rough. But more subtly make him convince himself. I'm hard right now at the thought of turning guys who ask nicely into guys who will play way less nicely.

I really enjoyed you and I and [Redacted]. I would probably find it harder if something happened when I wasn't there. But that's just for me to adjust to.

When you told me about playing with the daddies in the bar I was only turned on actually. No negative feelings.

If you found a 300lb musclehead to play with, I would be happy you were getting something you can't from me. I think I'm good there, we touched on this the other day ... life is playing the hand you're dealt. I accepted that I don't have the biggest cock, the most muscle whatever years ago. I might be jealous that I don't get to play with him though :D but that's fine. And I'd not want to limit your opportunity for such experiences.

I enjoyed us playing with [Redacted], it felt very much like us as a team. When you proposed afterwards, I actually was feeling very close to you because we had just done that. The fear of threesomes is either individual selfishness or one pair freezing out the third - like you were saying about couples taking on boys. We didn't do either.

And at some point, if we are in an open thing then one of us may infect the other with something. While it won't be fun to process, infection never is, I think I'll deal with it.

The recommendation here is to be screened every three months. You're right, it is free for us. I take s morning off work and go to a walk-in clinic. I don't go every three months, I have very little sex, I avoid people I consider high rosk (usually) I don't do much penetration either way. I don't know how that changes with us.

To be honest, my sex drive is low right now, so if I've got you around the house then I doubt I'll have anything left for other guys anyway :)

Your not drunk fiancée.

Subject: MCstories
From: BRIT
Date: Tue, 6 Nov 2018 16:32:50 -0800
To: YANK

If I wanted a selfish thing it would probably be about me. I do get off on hypno porn where people are brainwashed but don't trust most to do it to me. That's something you could do that others could not.

There's a story on mcstories.com called "Possession with intent". It's told from the point of view of a guy being fucked with by a friend of his dad. There's tons about it that's messed up. But there's a lot about the experience of being triggered and experiencing trance logic that really turns me on.

Subject: Trouble finding MCstories "Possession with Intent"
From: YANK
Date: Tue, 06 Nov 2018 17:29:17 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

There are no stories with the title "Possession with Intent" on MCstories.com. The list of titles looks woefully incomplete compared to what a Google site search brings up.

However, there is the story (or collection) Lemma the Librarian, Chapter: Possession with Intent, by Midori Konton.

https://mcstories.com/LemmaTheLibrarian/LemmaTheLibrarian18.html

It reads like Tolkein would if he wrote cowboys-and-settlers books. If this isn't the one you meant, can you point me in the right direction?

Thanks,

Yank

Subject: Re: Trouble finding MCstories "Possession with Intent"
From: BRIT
Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2018 06:28:46 +0000
To: YANK

Author seems to have removed his stories from there.

First chapter https://www.gayspiralstories.com/newStory/show/1101

It's pretty long. There are three scenes I come back to, two in the first chapter (first induction and first time he's triggered lots with Freddy the Fish) and a dig transformation in the fifth chapter. Other bits are also arousing in various ways, but they also have more "ewww" to them as well.

Subject: Re: Trouble finding MCstories "Possession with Intent"
From: YANK
Date: Wed, 07 Nov 2018 05:04:49 -0800
To: BRIT

Thank you!

--Yank

Subject: Venus
From: YANK
Date: Wed, 07 Nov 2018 05:32:33 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

The planet Venus was visible over the Trump hotel this morning.

--Yank

Subject: I can now afford to relocate to be with you
From: YANK
Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2018 08:43:42 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

As of this morning's pay I can afford to relocate myself and the cats to the UK on Sunday, 2018-12-2. I would have about $1000 left over. I would need to work >=85 hours a month at the current minimum wage of £7.83 to offset my financial impact on our household. Perhaps the food truck where you work, or bouncer at the Eagle?

I'm telling you this so you will know I take your feelings of evaporating and being lost VERY seriously. I do not like feeling helpless 5000 miles away when the man I love is hurting.

I can do renovation work, cook, track expenses, tidy up, train you in the gym. Those I'm sure of. How I could help you feel reconstituted only you know. Usually more than love is needed.

Say the word and I'm there for keeps.

--Your madman fiancé

Subject: Please give me a quick check-in
From: YANK
Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2018 14:01:41 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

Please give me a quick check-in to reassure me you're alive. Skype, email, text, voice, all good.

Hugs,

Yank

Subject: I'd really like to curl up on your chest right now
From: YANK
Date: Thu, 8 Nov 2018 15:40:07 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

I'm feeling out of place and lacking purpose right now, living in [Redacted], working at MGM. I'd really rather be holding you now, presses against you, smelling you. Feeling like I was doing the right thing for good reasons. Being with you is both.

ook ook.

Subject: I feel like I should do something
From: YANK
Date: Thu, 08 Nov 2018 18:58:10 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

I don't like feeling there's nothing can do to help you with feeling overwhelmed by renovations and feeling like you're lost and evaporating.

Maybe the distance between us is insurmountable right now. Maybe my being there would add to your stress. I just want to do something, anything, to help.

Perhaps there are things I can do from here.

I'm good at planning, budgeting, and forecasting. I can price materials and equipment from the B&Q website, and phone builders and other workers to find their rates and availability.

I can work up the expenses of the different reno tasks ahead of you so you can choose which would be most beneficial for the cost.

I can forecast your cash flow so you'll know how much reno money is available, and when.

I can order dinner to be delivered when you get home. I can hire a laundry service.

And if none of these tasks would help you, just tell me anything I can do for you. Even if it's to leave the topic alone.

ook ook,

INDUSTRIOUS GORILLA

Subject: Re: I feel like I should do something
From: BRIT
Date: Fri, 9 Nov 2018 06:15:30 +0000
To: YANK

Please leave it alone. Otherwise keeping you informed becomes yet another thing for me to do.

Thank you for offering. It's not what I need.

Brit

Subject: Re: I feel like I should do something
From: YANK
Date: Fri, 09 Nov 2018 05:46:12 -0800
To: BRIT

Mission accepted!

ook ook.

Subject: Thanksgiving days off from work
From: YANK
Date: Fri, 9 Nov 2018 13:42:33 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

This year I have two weekdays off from work for the Thanksgiving holiday, Thursday 2018-11-22 and Friday 2018-11-23.

Thanksgiving stinks. Anyone I would want to visit with is off visiting their family. Most shops are closed, as are many restaurants, and gyms are closed or keep weird hours. I'll have time on my hands.

I'd be available for Skype video during hours when you'd be home but I'd normally be at work. Please keep that in mind, we might enjoy using the time for more hypnosis work or you teaching me more theory and technique.

ook ook,

TEDIOUS HOLIDAY GORILLA

Subject: First time I selected "engaged"
From: YANK
Date: Fri, 9 Nov 2018 15:18:01 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

I answered an online survey about LGBTQ travel (http://survey.communitymarketinginc.com/se/[Redacted]). One of the questions was marital status. It felt good to check off "engaged".

ook ook.

Subject: I am really unhappy
From: BRIT
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2018 11:34:19 +0000
To: YANK

I thought I was happy. We spoke at the weekend about the argument we had and I thought I had got over it all.

I have not. It has been a dawning realisation this week. Maybe it started when I got your emails about the book you sent to the Amazon locker. Maybe it was when you said you could come over to help and I realised I didn't want that. Maybe it was when you said you would be quiet for a day and I felt relieved.

I'm sorry that I have withdrawn this week and made you feel unsettled. I did not want to say anything to you until I had sorted out my feelings.

I am very unhappy with the argument we had. The fact it has taken me this long to even realise it shows how deeply this stuff goes.

I have realised that I feel that in all of our arguments I have tried to hear you out, to accept criticism and to allow you your emotions. You have *many* times been angry with me. The last argument we had, I was angry with you finally. And this time, I feel you didn't show me what I have shown you.

I'm going to go over some things that happened.

1) I raised your views on HIV vs AIDS being against the consensus. a) You changed subject on me while I was talking to you about it. I wanted to discuss your views and how we differed on them and wanted to see how that would be with other people. While trying to talk about that, you switched topic. You decided to talk about testing and status, saying something along the lines of it being "the important thing". I tried to switch back, you switched to testing again. i) Adding insult to this, you asked about my testing regime, asked if I wanted you to get tested and then talked about the NHS being free and pointed out that it would cost several hundred dollars for the test you claimed I was asking you to take. No, I never asked you to, you asked me what I did, in the course of diverting the conversation. b) You used Minimisation https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minimisation_(psychology) on me when talking about me even thinking about your views on HIV. You repeatedly described it as me taking a comment in the afterglow of sex out of context, even though I had already said you had brought up the topic on a number of occasions. i) I called it out at the time with a smile saying that actually you had said it a few times. ii) It was one of the things I was angry with you about when we spoke the day after, calling it out explicitly. You did not respond to it explicitly.

2) In the course of that discussion on views on HIV/AIDS I interrupted you and apologised for it. You told me (likely not an exact quote) "but that's how people talk". That is what led to my very angry call the next day. We had already talked about how people differ in communication. I gave you my model of "talkers and listeners". It has mostly come up in discussion of my mother, but we have talked about it too. I felt you had made out that your way of speaking was correct and mine not. The call the day after was to go over that, because I do not want to spend my life being interrupted, and I was angry about what you had said. In the various arguments that have followed, you have provided strategies for me to use. You have told me to interrupt more. You have told me that when you interrupt, I should ask you about the interruption. This put the work on me, to keep up with you interrupting. I suggested that if you interrupt then it is on you to do the work to justify it. a) I pointed out that you avoid interruptions by controlling the conversation. When you want to speak, you take the time to gather your thoughts, but you start with "hold it" to give yourself space. You talk *much* more than me. You make it harder for me to interrupt you. You are not giving equal access to our conversation.

3) You attacked me for repeating your words to you, calling me didactic (I did in fact look it up to be sure I understood your complaint). You were a hypocrite for doing so. You had torn me up for words I used. More than once you took something I said and the word chosen and chewed me out for it. You know what, no. If it was down to the word then I'd have been happy for you to clarify your thought. You were the one making out that me trying to talk about what you said was an attack on the words chosen. No, I wanted to talk about our different beliefs. You diverted it.

4) I forget which argument it was, but you told me that you were now scared of my visit because you would spend the whole time worried you would set me off again.

Fuck you.

Just fuck off. You have spent all the time I know you getting angry at everything. The first time I met you at NEEHU you were furious from the start. I spent the day with you. You were angry all day. And yes, this was the day when you first talked about HIV, which you tried to say after was the time I should have raised it with you. Fuck off. You were angry all day. Aside from it not actually mattering because as far as I knew I'd never see you again, you were in no state for disagreement. Do you remember that I lost your seat belt holder inside your seat? You were pissed off about it, and ranted about me doing that. That was unfair. I have *never* been in a car with such a stupid design for seat belts. I didn't even consider that losing it would be a thing. But you went on about how if only I had just had the common sense to hold it so you didn't have to fish it out again. And this was you I was meant to disagree with your beliefs on HIV on?

Fuck you. When you were convincing me for us to be a couple, who was it who would take something I said, get furious and disappear or barely talk for two days at a time? Who was it who said "I want to get on a plane to fly over to punch you in the face"? two days after not speaking to me because I had again set you off and you had taken that long to tell me.

Fuck you. Who is it who keeps interrupting me to rant on about some tangential issue to the point I was making because it reminded you of yet another thing that pisses you off? You don't like smart phones. I get it. I really do. Is it adding to my conversation when you repeatedly share your ire about them with me? No.

Of the two of us, you have been angrier and more often. You told me that anger is you realising something is wrong. I am entitled to my anger as much as you.

You telling me you're scared of my anger? Fuck you, every conversation with you has the risk of setting you off again. You're scared of me being angry? Fucking deal with it. I do.

5) You sent me a book on CBT. You said it would help me with my inappropriate emotional reactions to things.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

I am allowed to be angry.

I had reason to be angry.

Fuck you.

My emotional response is completely fucking appropriate.

Sending me that book is invalidating my emotional response.

6) In all of these rows we have had, you have often talked me down, ranted. I have tried to reach out, see where I could have done better and learn from them.

In this last row, you have constantly done things to negate me, my thoughts and my feelings. I've covered a few above. You know what you have not done? You have not said to me that my feelings are valid. You have not said to me that you have ever fucked up with me. I dragged it out of you when you accepted my point that you interrupt because it's easier for you to get a thought out of your head immediately. Every time you pretend to apologise, it's of the form "I'm sorry I didn't realise you took things this way" rather than "I'm sorry, I did wrong".

Fuck you.

The way you have treated me does not match up to the way I want to be treated, or in fact the way I think anybody should treat each other. The way you have treated me is not about empathising, trying to understand and to resolve. It is aggressive defence, where you negate what is said instead of resolving it.

I'm writing this to give you a chance to accept this stuff.

I want a boyfriend who works on building something together not tearing me apart. When you have ranted at me, I have tried my best to let you let it all out, to show you I'm listening, to accept criticism and for us to be stronger and happier in the future.

Your boyfriend who took away "Yank is always right"? I know exactly how he feels.

Brit

.

Subject: [Fwd: I am really unhappy]
From: BRIT
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2018 11:37:01 +0000
To: YANK

And fuck you for making me write this email.

Yes, you did.

When you talked about how you think my fear of you interrupting is because I had missed my chance to make my point?

I think this has shown exactly what happens when I do try to make a point. I couldn't even say this to you, because instead of letting me talk, instead of trying to understand, instead of hearing me out, you would instead do the things I've talked about and avoid it all.

Subject: [Fwd: [Fwd: I am really unhappy]]
From: BRIT
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2018 12:12:01 +0000
To: YANK

And don't go making claims about me saying you intend to do this. We went over this more than once. I am not accusing you of intending to do make me feel this way on either a conscious or subconscious level. I am talking about the outcome of your actions on me, not the reasons you took them.

You have talked about conversational terrorism. You have talked about how the damage done us is dealt to others. You have talked about wanting to become a better person for being with me.

Here is your chance.

Subject: Re: [Fwd: [Fwd: I am really unhappy]]
From: YANK
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2018 07:14:25 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

I received and read your 3 emails.

It's a lot to take in, a lot to absorb. I will read them all again a few times over a few days.

I will consider my actions and how I can change or avoid them to have non-destructive results.

Would you please consider: Do you see us having a path forward from this? Do you even want a path forward?

Saying I'm sorry couldn't possibly go far enough. But it's a start. I apologize for my actions and their harm to you.

--Yank

Subject: Condoms and books
From: YANK
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2018 09:19:56 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

Thursday I ordered a "variety pack" of larger sized condoms to be delivered to you. They are in transit and I cannot recall them. Do whatever you want with them. My apologies, a bag of condoms seems grossly inappropriate right now.

The Amazon book order will be removed from the locker Monday and I will be refunded.

I apologize for sending you the CBT books. CBT is largely about recognizing options and I thought it might help you sort through the many things weighing on you, not just our conflicts. Your emotions are valid and it was wrong of me to send the books. I'm sorry I hurt you.

--Yank

Subject: Re: [Fwd: [Fwd: I am really unhappy]]
From: BRIT
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2018 18:26:16 +0000
To: YANK

I can't honestly tell you what I want right now. A few days will help settle things.

Subject: Acknowledging my wrongs
From: YANK
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2018 10:45:50 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

When you most recently brought up my views on HIV/AIDS, I did indeed shove the conversation off course. I did interrupt. I did change the topic. You did not ask me to get tested as you do, I was presumptuous and wrong. If I had shut the fuck up I would have heard where you wanted to go with the conversation. Yes, my memory of prior similar conversations was faulty because I spoke impulsively and did not stop to think back to our history on the topic. The next day on our Skype call I did not respond explicitly when you called me out. I should have.

"That's how people talk" was a gross minimization. I could have said "I'm comfortable with that" and I wouldn't have invalidated you. I do indeed talk MUCH more than you.

When you repeated my words to me, I did focus on the words rather than the beliefs behind them. To me the words illustrated my beliefs, but the conversation was already on track without illustration. I was wrong to do so, it was an inappropriate diversion.

We have both made each other afraid that the other one might go off. Both of us being as bad as me is toxic and avoidable. I should give my emotions more time to soak through before I come to a conclusion that leads to an action or statement. I should wait to hear the entirety of what you want to convey to me. I apologize for pinning my fear on you.

And I do like your turning supertanker inertia metaphor.

Yes, I am angry at everything, and yes, most of the time. It is a flaw I have had since age 2 as far as I can remember. Things I have never told another person: I once talked to a neurosurgeon about lobotomy. Years later I talked to a neuropsychologist about implanting a neuropacer (https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/publications/neurologic/neurologic_spring_2011/a_pac emaker_for_the_brain).

Quite right that I was constantly angry and in a foul mood at NEEHU. Your choice to call me out on it or not was entirely your choice, based on your reasons, and it is not my place to challenge your choice.

Yes, I was moody, volatile, self-absorbed, and obnoxious shortly after you returned home in July. Just because I need a couple days to stew in my own juices does not give me the right to make it your burden.

You are absolutely allowed to be angry and your anger is appropriate.

Your feelings are valid. They are not validated by the strength of your emotions, the intensity with which you express them, or by how often you have to repeat them before my thick skull takes note.

Your feelings are valid by being your feelings.

I'm sorry. I did wrong. Badly.

A lot. And often.

I apologize for making you have to email me rather than just talk with me. But I am glad that you made the effort. When a conversation ends, the words and flow start to fade while the emotional carnage grows. An email is stark, undeniable, and persistent. Like I said, I will read each of your emails several times to be sure I absorb what you say.

I do want to become a better person for being with you. But as you can see I am seriously flawed and I have always known it. Will I always be? No matter how much I would like to change I cannot foresee the ways or extent or pace at which I am might change.

I asked you to take a leap of faith to be with me. So far you have shown more faith in me that I have in myself. Thank you.

--Yank

Subject: Re: Acknowledging my wrongs
From: BRIT
Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2018 14:50:45 +0000
To: YANK

Thank you for this.

I still need some time to calm down. But we will talk after that.

Subject: Re: Acknowledging my wrongs
From: YANK
Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2018 18:23:46 -0800
To: BRIT

Glad it helped. You know the ways to reach me when it's time.

--Yank

Subject: Re: Acknowledging my wrongs
From: BRIT
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2018 06:02:30 +0000
To: YANK

When I was so angry at you before, I said how it was partly fear at repeating a dynamic I had too many times, with mother etc.

The email on Saturday was very hard to write as doing so I realised that again my complaints were not just about you but also a fear of repeating relationships I know now to be unhealthy.

Looking back on my own evolution I can see how I was sulky as a child and passive aggressive as a young adult. I hope I'm avoiding that now especially with the usual lessening of patience with age.

I'm saying I can see it now but didn't see it then. I know you, my mother, my ex boyfriends never set out to make me feel bad, but were just reacting as felt right at the time.

You've shown more self awareness with this apology than any of them and my younger self.

We will talk soon.

Brit

Subject: Re: Acknowledging my wrongs
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2018 06:17:40 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

Thank you for acknowledging that your extreme anger with me was also fueled by other people and other relationships in your life. I was just the latest tip of a very large iceberg formed over many years of bad experiences. And you knew that.

But...

You still threw the whole God damn iceberg at me anyway.

--Yank

Subject: Re: Acknowledging my wrongs
From: BRIT
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2018 14:25:19 +0000
To: YANK

... after I had tried talking to you more reasonably ...

Subject: Re: Acknowledging my wrongs
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2018 06:36:50 -0800
To: BRIT

Most meaningful thing to me that you wrote in your fuck you emails: "I am talking about the outcome of your actions on me, not the reasons you took them."

I think that's a concept that should apply to your actions as well as mine.

Whether or not you felt you had no other choice than to escalate, the intensity with which you ripped into me had a terrible outcome.

I'd like you to own up to that as I owned up to the impact(s) I had on you.

--Yank

Subject: Re: Acknowledging my wrongs
From: BRIT
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2018 14:54:51 +0000
To: YANK

The main reason I wrote that was a repeated diversion you have made in this and previous arguments where you turned me talking about things into a personal attack.

I acknowledge I ripped into you. I don't know what the outcome has been other than your emails - you have not told me.

You can call it a choice. I'll point you at the way the structure of them fell apart as an indicator of how my mood went.

And any time you want to talk about how bad this feels for you? Consider that against the feeling of going to work having been ranted at for two hours. Repeatedly. The crime being feeling caution about throwing my all in. I feel vindicated by these last few weeks.

While I could have been calmer writing what I did, I stand behind every point made.

Brit

Subject: Re: Acknowledging my wrongs - The impact on me
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2018 08:10:18 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

This will be very long. Perhaps you should read it later at home.

I have a few topics that actually do come together at the end even though they might seem disjointed at first. So I ask for your patience.

I think and feel that we have many excellent, healthy connections as a couple.

I have demonstrated my ability to reconsider my stance and explore it, and change it, for example the path leading to my now wanting the intimacy of you fucking me.

I have been plain about the ways in which my brain, thinking, and impulsiveness are fucked up. You give me the safety to be forthcoming about it.

We have shared our hypnotic fantasies that would make non-kink people's hair curl. We have also happily suggested enhancements to each other's fantasies. Speaks to trust and common ground.

You felt safe sharing the parts of "Possession with Intent" you found most erotic. You said you trusted me to pursue those brainwashing-like elements with you. I read those parts of the story and started researching how we could experience those interests. Speaks to trust and mutual respect.

Our non-hypnotic intimacy and power exchange is VERY strong. We have common ground and can please each other deeply.

Our hypnotic intimacy is VERY strong. I was able to immobilize you because you let me into your mind. You have done so very much for me in particular and for us as a team: GRUNTOR, locking my arm, roping me, deepening practice, trapping me in psychotropic vines and teasing me with a pinwheel. We trust each other enough to give access to our minds.

We both know these kinds of kink + love connections are rare. A while ago when you spoke to the rareness and used the term "we're desperate". You're right. It's not enough alone, but with our other common grounds (sexual compatibility, exploring semi-open relationship, muscle building, exhibitionism, sense of humor), it's significant.

Even after two brutal Skype chats we made progress.

You offered 2 conversational adjustments: using more explicit language to help me understand the impact of my conversation interruptions; suggesting I preface an interruption with my reason for it. They are worthwhile starting points towards change.

I have acknowledged my faults and shortcomings. My "Nolo contendre, res loquitor ipsum" list that you told me was helpful, and my "Acknowledging my wrongs" email. Owning up to one's flaws is typically the first step to meaningful change.

In your "fuck you" emails you went into more detail about more offenses that I admit I am guilty of. And you vented 10 "fuck yous". And we're still here.

On our Sunday 2019-11-04 Skype chat you had rage on your face and said loudly, "I would rather be alone than put up with your interruptions. I would rather be alone that listen to one more sidebar or rambling story or diversion." (The "rather be alone" part I am certain of, the "than" parts are as close as I can remember).

"I would rather be alone..." struck me as a threat that one more smartphone rant would move you to dump me. One interjection of "Wait, I'm getting lost, could you back up?" and you'd throw all the good connections we have in the rubbish bin. One botched conversation would surpass your limit and you'd walk away from all the good, loving, mutually respectful connections we have.

Perhaps you said "I would rather" to emphasize how hurt you are. I do not know your intent. I'm speaking only to impact.

Your anger is valid. Your feelings are valid. Being royally pissed off at me is appropriate.

But the intensity of your reaction in response to that anger seems pretty extreme, disproportionate. "There's something else going on here" extreme.

Threatening to break us up is the nuclear option. It comes across as an ultimatum, not an effort to work together. I don't feel it was a personal attack on me. I do feel it's extreme in the light of the other options we have to improve our conflicts, in light of the healthy and happy parts of our relationship.

Perhaps I have already exceeded your tolerance level and we're as good as over.

Your "fuck you" emails are full of things I can work with. They're specific, detailed, and actionable. I'm capable of meaningful change in response to your feedback.

And you'll have to make some meaningful changes too. Develop patience while I work on improving my behavior. Throttle your anger so you only hit me with the anger that I alone elicited. When you feel you have been reasonable but still did not get an acceptable response from me, consider presenting your stance a different way with different language before escalating. It made a HUGE difference when you changed from saying "people talk over you because they want to silence you" (intent) to "it feels like you want to silence me" (impact).

But if your anger, your rage, is as intense as it appears, and if your anger with me is propelled by bad relationships with your mother and other men, it will surface again and again until your address those old damages. Perhaps I'm too much on top of that.

It's clear that I piss you off and hurt you. You may have already decided we're over. I do not want to hurt you. I am your man until you tell me I am not. If I am not, just tell me so directly and plainly.

Please remember that even with our anger, our confusion, our struggling, we are still here.

Plethora.

--Yank

Subject: And backing up a bit...
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2018 09:28:53 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

You are correct that I was unfairly angry, no, furious when you were hesitant to go all in immediately after your July visit. I was high on the possibilities of coupling with a quality man like you and my reactions all around were extreme. I was deranged. I was wrong to rip into you on our Skype calls, especially before your work day. I was unfair and selfish. I apologizing for my horrible, hurtful behavior and I'm sorry I have not apologized sooner.

--Yank

Subject: Speaking of the placebo effect
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2018 15:28:36 -0800
To: BRIT

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/07/magazine/placebo-effect-medicine.html

What if the Placebo Effect Isn't a Trick? New research is zeroing in on a biochemical basis for the placebo effect '" possibly opening a Pandora's box for Western medicine.

PDF attached in case you hit a paywall.

ook ook.

Subject: Ranking the Nation's 50 states on gabbiness, impatience and fast-talking
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2018 16:26:49 -0800
To: BRIT

https://www.marchex.com/blog/talkative

Ranking the Nation's 50 states on gabbiness, impatience and fast-talking.

Please note that I have lived in Connecticut, Massachusetts, California, New Mexico, Rhode Island and Nevada. Those states are all categorized as "talks most" and "talks fastest".

See also:

http://www.newser.com/story/220213/the-most-least-talkative-states.html

https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2016/02/speaking-fast-and-slow/459393/

--Yank

Subject: Re: Speaking of the placebo effect
From: BRIT
Date: Tue, 13 Nov 2018 06:08:46 +0000
To: YANK

There is no way I'm reading all of that for a tangential interest!

Subject: Re: Speaking of the placebo effect
From: YANK
Date: Tue, 13 Nov 2018 06:27:07 -0800
To: BRIT

Damn. Now what will I do with the quiz I prepared?

ook ook.

Subject: Preparations for your visit
From: YANK
Date: Wed, 14 Nov 2018 11:25:02 -0800
To: BRIT

BEFORE LEAVING HOME:

CAR

* Look for off-street parking, or consider a paid secure car park. * If parked on-street, ask a neighbor to check it when possible. Consider a webcam.

MAIL/POST

* If you pay any bills by post, pay them early. * Contact the postal service about holding delivery until you return.

BILLS/BANKING

* Notify your banks you'll be traveling so they don't think your bank card use is fraudulent. * Make sure you leave a bank balance that can cover automatic payments while you're away. * Renew anything recurring that might expire while you're away. * Check the expiration dates on your bank cards and replace them if necessary.

PEOPLE

* Tell your trusted neighbors you'll be away, share contact information in case something needs your attention. * For your scheduled get-togethers like bowling with Levi or MANCSbound tell friends you'll be away. * Tell your regular hypno buddies you'll be away. * You might want to give Boot Pup your travel details for his peace of mind. Feel free to share my phones and email.

HOUSEKEEPING

* Flush the toilet, make sure all drains flow freely. It lessens the chance of a backup while away. * Empty clothes washer and drier. * Wash all dirty dishes and cookware. * Go through shelves and refrigerator, throw out food that may spoil while away. * Empty rubbish bins, maybe use a neighbor's bins if they allow. Remember the maggot fiasco. * Consider timers or automation for lights to make the home look lived in. * Close blinds and curtains. * Consider turning off the wifi. * Test your security system.

HEALTH

* Refill prescriptions before departing, you'll need to bring a month's supply on your trip. * Refill contact lenses if necessary. * Pack all daily and PRN medicines. * Reschedule any medical appointments, let the CBT scheduler know you'll be away.

PACKING CONSIDERATIONS:

TOILETRIES

* Replenish your favorite soap, shampoo, shave products, antifungal, etc.

DAY TO DAY CLOTHES

* 7 days of casual clothes. Consider whether you will re-wear before washing. * Leather gear. Pack for minimum items with maximum combinations. * Footwear for leather, walking, gym. * Stretchy stuff for your sexy self. Especially that red singlet. WOOF.

OUTERWEAR

* Casual jacket for late fall weather. * Sweatshirt. * Cold weather hat.

SEX GEAR

* Pick from your evil black bag what you want for yourself and to use on me. * Rope, restraints. * Review with me our combined cock pumping gear. You may not need to bring your own. * Your size condoms and your preferred lube(s).

Subject: Talk outline
From: BRIT
Date: Wed, 14 Nov 2018 21:09:36 +0000
To: YANK

45 minute slot :/

(Different areas of stage for presenting and demoing)

Intro: - (ask demo subject(s)) name the five senses! - some common associations with hypnosis - swinging watch, spiral - hypnotic voice, metronome - visual and auditary are effective for most people, but not everyone - NLP introduced me to VAKOG and the notion of modalities, primary or not - physical inductions worked way more effectively on me - kinaesthetic people deserve trance too! - even if someone is not particularly kinaesthetic, being aware of and using more modalities can help - as a hypnotist, you can do better with rapport if you are aware of how you use your body, space etc

Characterising modalities: - don't get too hung up on ordering or measuring; just find out which ones seem to be strong - characterise - name the senses gives clue - describe favourite food (90% of the time it will be pizza (maybe because I like big guys)) - try getting them to imagine a pleasant touch, see their reaction

Negotiation if you are considering touching the subject: - is it OK to touch you? - agree where - if comfortable with the subject, good rapport, just ask - if less sure, touch each place as asking, judge non-verbal response too - are there any physical health issues I should know about? - as with mental health issues, ask how to work around either - aftercare needs? hug / space ?

Your presence: - "The Curtain" - signal something is happening (e.g. when going from consent to induction) with a physical shift - (big) move to a new location - (small) change position - use your body to create the dynamic the subject needs - use loose mirroring if you want to relax them - in BDSM tists are often dominant so can instead deliberately unsettle subject - dominating holds, invading personal space, lift chin etc. - have confidence in how you hold yourself

Attain compliance through movement: - "can you move your feet apart" is just about establishing/checking compliance - compliance tests can also become part of the process - e.g. if testing a subject's arm for relaxation, don't panic if it is stiff, instead use it as an opportunity to get compliance ("can you relax that arm?")

Physical safety: - don't cause damage - don't force things - it's not wrestling - don't yank (whiplash is possible) - it is the deliberateness and shock, not the the force. - watch for "floppers" - claimed that you can tell subjects up front to lock legs, I'm not 100%

Physical inductions: - swirly arms: - easy to do - hypnotist has easy job, firing commands, creating confusion/anxiety - look for subject making mistakes - increase tension! - tap, don't whack

- focus on hand moving to head: - fun because it is self reinforcing, the more the subject's arm moves, the more they believe it is working - can be short cutted (?) by moving their arm for them unexpectedly, nice pattern interrupt

- hug: - supports subject! - really quick - cheeky as fuck

Deepening: - generally good, reassuring - cradling - comforting - stroking - rocking - assertive - pushing - pounding

Anchoring: - associate e.g. touch back of neck with trance

Kinaesthetics: - as a hypnotist be aware of your own modalities - can cause bias e.g. might give a lot of visual suggestions because that's how your mind works - can mean can't imagine how a strong kinaesthetic can work - e.g. using only simple suggestions like "pleasure" instead of detailed sensory description "so aware of the friction as skin slides over skin, and that feeling setting off your nerves leaving an ever growing tingling sense of pleasure" - finding how to suggest by modality per-subject - detailed vs vague per-sense e.g. my liking vague imagery but detailed touch suggestions - think about adapting sensory metaphors: - e.g. replace watching the hands of a clock going around with the feeling of the sun's heat moving across you

Wakeners: - can just use opposite motions to deepeners! - oddly, giving kinaesthetic suggestion is very common with wakeners

Aftercare - appropriate distance - presence

Takeaways: - use of presence can help your session - notice different areas of stage communicated different intent - characterise and adapt to subjects' strengths (here modalities, but generally) - physical inductions can be great timesavers as well as fun! - have more tools in your box to play with subjects

Subject: Talk notes
From: BRIT
Date: Sun, 18 Nov 2018 21:33:56 +0000
To: YANK

Subject: Re: Talk notes
From: YANK
Date: Sun, 18 Nov 2018 17:19:07 -0800
To: BRIT

Sorry, handsome, there was no body to your email. I'd enjoy reading your notes, please send them if they're available.

ook ook,

GORILLA LUG

Subject: Re: Physicalities Talk - Invitation to view
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 19 Nov 2018 06:50:46 -0800
To: BRIT

Thank you! Read and saved.

--Yank

Subject: "My name is Wil Wheaton, I live with chronic depression and I am not ashamed"
From: YANK
Date: Tue, 20 Nov 2018 16:15:01 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

A tech blog led me to this posting from Wil Wheaton today. I like his honesty, and his description of the moment when you realize your antidepressants have worked is spot on.

I have been depressed my whole life, even now, and I still carry some shame that causes me to talk about my "seizure disorder" rather than the depression it causes. People forgive seizures.

http://wilwheaton.net/2018/05/my-name-is-wil-wheaton-i-live-with-chronic-depression-and-i-am -not-ashamed/

ook ook,

Yank

Subject: Yes, I am concerned about our age difference
From: YANK
Date: Fri, 23 Nov 2018 14:28:40 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

I worry that I am being unfair asking you to marry a man 16 years older than you.

When you are my age I will be 74 (73.88 to be exact). Will I be able to satisfy you? Will I look ridiculous at your side? Will I still even be alive? I don't know.

Attached are 3 pictures of 74 year old bodybuilders. That is what I strive for.

ook ook,

Your fiancé

Subject: Re: Yes, I am concerned about our age difference
From: BRIT
Date: Fri, 23 Nov 2018 22:35:48 +0000
To: YANK

The age gap I have to you is the same as I had to Joe. The difference is, he had settled into his own routine while I think you're still exploring. And even if/when you do settle into a routine it's likely to be delightfully perverted and fun.

I have yet to find anyone like you. And we could both wait forever for an "ideal" match who never arrives.

Your cock chewer, Brit

Subject: Re: Yes, I am concerned about our age difference
From: YANK
Date: Fri, 23 Nov 2018 14:41:48 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

Sorry, cock muncher, but after you give me a tiny bodybuilder cock this is all you get to chew.

Thank you. I plan to keep exploring until I croak... AND BEYOND.

ook ook,

Your Gorilla Fiancé

Subject: I really would like to know your hypnocon and hypno social experiences
From: YANK
Date: Sat, 24 Nov 2018 03:25:34 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

Busy mind at 3 AM. No anxiety, just lots bubbling around.

I really would like to hear about your experiences at hypnocons and hypno socials. They're a significant part of your interests and activities. Please tell me about them so I can understand you better.

I would enjoy hearing about what you learned, what you taught, friends you met and new friends you made, how you were hypnotized and what you experienced, and hypnotic experiences you brought people through. And how about your presentation demonstrations at Harlech?

Also it would help me better appreciate how I might enjoy cons and socials. So far my experience has been only 2 events, one good and one not so much.

Enjoy the Birmingham social. Then tell me all about it.

And please give [Redacted] a big squeeze from me.

Hugs,

Your sleepy gorilla

Subject: Spooky
From: YANK
Date: Sun, 25 Nov 2018 16:31:43 -0800
To: undisclosed-recipients:;

Friends,

Spooky was the last cat I fostered before leaving Providence, RI for [Redacted], NV. He had a bad flea infestation which caused him to lose most of the hair on his flanks and legs. I originally named him MANGE but later switched to the more adoption-friendly Spooky.

Spooky has feline leukemia (FeLV) which shortens his life. We were lucky to get him into the Merrimack Valley Feline Rescue's special FeLV room before I departed.

A week later Spooky was adopted by Jim and Pat. They were looking specifically for a special needs cat and Spooky chose them. They have all been extremely happy together for 28 months. We've kept in touch by post.

Today I received a card. I have scanned and attached it.

I am simultaneously filled with joy and grief. Spooky has been so very lucky to have been found, cared for, adopted, and deeply cherished. His family and I will ache from his passing. He has his happy ending and I am grateful I was a small part of it.

Somehow, bitter and misanthropic as I am, I did something small that has meant the world to two people and their cat. I cannot emotionally reconcile this paradox.

But I can rejoice that Spooky is nearing the kind of end I think we all want: He is loved, and in the company of those who love him.

How far that little candle throws its beams.

--Yank

Subject: Now I understand your "great ally" Trump comment
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 26 Nov 2018 16:21:57 -0800
To: BRIT

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/26/world/europe/trump-may-brexit-eu.html

Speaking to reporters outside the White House, Mr. Trump offered a withering assessment of the deal, which was approved Sunday by the European Union's 27 member states.

Subject: Did I leave my black leather short gloves with you?
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 26 Nov 2018 18:10:12 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

I can't find my black leather short "cop" gloves. Did I leave them with you?

I know I left the cuffs but I could have sworn I brought back the gloves.

Please correct me if my memory is wrong.

Hugs,

Yank

Subject: Re: Did I leave my black leather short gloves with you?
From: BRIT
Date: Tue, 27 Nov 2018 06:10:24 +0000
To: YANK

I will take a look.

Subject: Re: Now I understand your "great ally" Trump comment
From: BRIT
Date: Tue, 27 Nov 2018 09:14:06 +0000
To: YANK

The dimwit said we may not be able to trade with the US. We may not be able to make custom trade deals but we can trade with everyone.

Subject: Re: Now I understand your "great ally" Trump comment
From: YANK
Date: Tue, 27 Nov 2018 06:08:59 -0800
To: BRIT

Dumbfuck, dear. The word is dumbfuck. Dimwit is too courteous for him.

ook ook.

Subject: Netflix animating every Roald Dahl story
From: YANK
Date: Tue, 27 Nov 2018 15:14:42 -0800
To: BRIT

https://news.avclub.com/netflix-to-be-your-golden-ticket-to-the-roald-dahl-exte-1830683687

'Our mission, which is purposefully lofty, is for as many children as possible around the world to experience the unique magic and positive message of Roald Dahl's stories,' Roald Dahl's widow, Felicity Dahl, says in a press release.

Subject: Re: Netflix animating every Roald Dahl story
From: BRIT
Date: Wed, 28 Nov 2018 02:33:50 +0000
To: YANK

Heh, I'd love to see the kids watching Tales of the Unexpected.

Subject: Who Would Win in a Fight: Batman or Superman?
From: YANK
Date: Wed, 28 Nov 2018 16:44:55 -0800
To: BRIT

http://www.dorkly.com/post/51645/injustice-gods-and-normal-humans-who-are-rich-and-smart-a mong-us

Intuitively obvious, perhaps?

ook ook.

Subject: Boyfriends past
From: YANK
Date: Wed, 28 Nov 2018 20:03:53 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

My former boyfriend the Navajo will be in [Redacted] with a friend around Christmas while you are here.

Would you be comfortable meeting him?

--Yank

Subject: Re: Boyfriends past
From: BRIT
Date: Thu, 29 Nov 2018 05:53:32 +0000
To: YANK

Yes.

I promise not to follow him into the toilet and threaten him.

Subject: You are covered on my auto insurance policy
From: YANK
Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2018 18:53:00 -0800
To: BRIT

Brit,

I just spoke with GEICO, my auto insurance company. You are covered on my policy as a "guest driver" for the 4 weeks you will be in [Redacted].

I also have roadside assistance coverage in case of any break-down so you can use that too should it be necessary.

They have a smartphone app you can install while you are here.

ook ook,

YOUR BIG GORILLA

Subject: Re: You are covered on my auto insurance policy
From: BRIT
Date: Sat, 1 Dec 2018 03:43:39 +0000
To: YANK

Thank you!

I think!

Nervous!

Subject: Re: You are covered on my auto insurance policy
From: YANK
Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2018 19:46:26 -0800
To: BRIT

You're welcome. I have 3 times the mandatory insurance, plus roadside assistance, to be sure we're covered for WTF.

ook ook.