That was actually a bug in my code to pull our emails from Thunderbird and write them out as HTML.
It was just so very Brit obstructive that I couldn't resist leaving it in. "You're the only one I have this problem with." "I shouldn't have to work that hard." "I don't see the point." "No."
The actual message was...
On Tue, 2019-02-19 at 18:43 -0800, YANK wrote:
>> Brit,
>>
>> Talking about the now and future played out badly as a couple,
>> and it won't help me grieve.
Talking about the past did more damage for me.
>> It also won't help either of us rise above our dysfunctional
family damage. I truly believe that's at the core of our problems.
>> And frankly I want an "Acknowledging my Wrongs" email as long and
self-aware and loaded with sincere apologies as I gave you.
You had my "fuck you" emails to work from. Could you list what you
want me to apologise for?
>> First watch this:
>> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFm9ClqlGuo
>>
>> Then watch this episode, it's only 21 min 25 sec:
>> https://drive.google.com/open?id=1jbxN7C3qhVIYUGiRoVATNk2HjO3BsHJg
No.
Subject: Re: Perhaps goodbye was premature
From: YANK
Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2019 15:26:52 -0800
To: BRIT
When you're terse it's best for me to drop it.
Here's what I wanted you to know (part of it anyway) from those Good Place videos:
----------
ELEANOR: Janet, you know, the answer to everything. You know all there is to know in the
universe. Crunch the numbers, girl. Tell me the answer. What's the point of love if it's just gonna
disappear? And how is it worse to not love anybody? There has to be meaning to existence,
otherwise the universe is just made of pain, and I don't like the thought of that, so tell me the
answer.
JANET: I know how you feel. Back on Earth, I had to watch Jason have no recognition of me. It
felt like... right before someone pushes a plunger and murders you.
ELEANOR: Sure.
JANET: The more human I become, the less things make sense. But that's part of the fun,
right?
ELEANOR: What do you mean?
JANET: If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn't be
special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design. It would just be a big, dumb food
processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that
does, it's euphoria. In all this randomness and this pandemonium, you and Chidi found each
other, and you had a life together. Isn't that remarkable?
----------
--Yank
Subject: Re: Perhaps goodbye was premature
From: BRIT
Date: Thu, 21 Feb 2019 07:51:30 +0000
To: YANK
I think it's easiest for you, not best. In fact I think it's worst,
because it does not go away, festers and comes back later.
You wanted an apology. I think it is best for you to get it instead
of leaving this issue unresolved.
Subject: Re: Perhaps goodbye was premature
From: YANK
Date: Thu, 21 Feb 2019 05:36:22 -0800
To: BRIT
Brit,
I've chosen one thing I'd like you to apologize for: Your apologies.
When you choose to apologize spontaneously and without being asked, you give superb heartfelt
apologies. Genuine. Credible. Kind.
When I ask for an apology you will give me one.
And then the next day, or the day later, or a week later you will reverse your position and tell me
I'm being unfair and intolerable and you won't stand for it.
Remember our group walk around Liverpool? When I told you the excursion went longer and
farther and with more people than originally planned and it became a problem with my injured
leg, you apologized. The next night you told me I was being unfair and I had no right to say what
I said. Mind you, telling me I had the right to leave was very good of you, no one before had ever
told me that or treated me like I had that right. But you could have told me that when I expressed
my upset about all the walking. Instead you reversed your apology.
You've done that kind of reversal several times. You also reverse apologies you give on your own
accord. When I told you I was still confused about your history with fucking and you replied
starting with "Of course you don't understand", that night coming to bed you quietly
said "I'm
sorry. I didn't want this." But the next day you reversed your apology when you said
"I wanted to
talk but you just wanted to sulk." Belittling and disrespectful, apology negated.
There were many many more apologies, big and small, that you reversed. This is a long email as
it is so those two examples will have to do.
You had asked me if I really thought you were gaslighting me. Your apology reversals were a big
reason why I believe that. It's called "reality shifting", reframing me from someone
who deserves
an apology to someone who should be apologizing, destroying my trust that you actually meant
anything you said, making me worry if or when the reversal would come, generally behaving
unpredictably and making me fear I was on shaky ground. Sound familiar from your childhood?
Giving respect (in this case in the form of an apology) then taking it away is a classic
dysfunctional bully move.
So many times for so many apologies, big and small. Most of them you reversed either by
outright telling me I was unfair and intolerable, or by saying something snide to belittle me about
what you had apologized for.
Re-read my email with the subject "Backing up a bit...", it's a good example of an
apology.
Acknowledgment that you were right to feel hurt, conceding my mistakes and their negative
impact, identifying my bad behaviors, expressing a tone of regret, and clearly using the words
"apologize" and "sorry". And I never reversed my apology to you. And I
proceeded to work on
tempering my anger and impulses because you were right about me having been hurtful.
An apology doesn't count until the recipient recognizes it as an apology. I've had to apologize
multiple times to people until they accepted what I said as an apology. "I tried but you
wouldn't
listen" is a fraudulent apology.
So I'm asking for an apology for all your retracted apologies.
--Yank
Subject: I hope you have an enjoyable weekend
From: YANK
Date: Sat, 23 Feb 2019 05:45:40 -0800
To: BRIT
I hope you have an enjoyable weekend.
--Yank
Subject: Joy
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 25 Feb 2019 09:30:10 -0800
To: BRIT
Brit,
I've been having a lot of seizures lately and every day my brain is scrambled in a different way.
It's horrible and terrifying. Today my memories of my entire life, and the emotions connected to
those memories, are very close to the surface.
I want you to know that I remember our times together with great joy. With you I felt a level of
connectedness, intimacy, hope, and love that I had never felt before. Those feelings are at the
core of all my memories with you. I will feel them forever and I thank you for that.
All things considered I still want you in my life in whatever capacity you have room for.
However you feel about that is entirely up to you.
--Yank
Subject: Sorry for not replying yet
From: BRIT
Date: Mon, 25 Feb 2019 22:21:55 +0000
To: YANK
I apologise for not replying to your email yet.
I've had a previous email written in anger thrown in my face plenty,
so I decided to take some time to compose myself before replying.
I will do so one evening this week.
Subject: Re: Sorry for not replying yet
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 25 Feb 2019 15:04:23 -0800
To: BRIT
Brit,
A reply when you can would be appreciated. Any chance we could do Skype video sometime?
Our last 3 times we both stayed composed and did not give in to angry behavior. That's a pretty
good streak for us, perhaps we can do it a 4th time.
--Yank
Subject: Lemony Skicket
From: YANK
Date: Mon, 25 Feb 2019 15:09:37 -0800
To: BRIT
Brit,
When I replied to your legendary angry emails I kept in mind a favorite quote by Leony Skicket,
written while he was watching the March on Wall Street from his publisher's office
windows:
"Someone feeling wronged is like someone feeling thirsty. Don't tell them they aren't. Sit
with them and have a drink."
Perhaps that wisdom can guide us now.
--Yank